I don't understand

J hurt me many ways, many different times.   He thinks that he is the victim because he chose to pack up and leave rather than love me and be my partner.   He would have killed me rather than pay one more penny toward our joint expenses.  And - after five years he was worse at his relationship with my children than when we started.  

I thought we were making progress with our talks and then one day he told me that he decided he was right about it all and I was wrong.  It killed me.   The thought of it now makes me so sick I feel like I can't breathe.   I just wanted him to be my husband, for us to have some semblance of a family or even a household rather than a single woman and her girls who lives with a man that sleeps in the same room as she does.

I wanted him so badly.  I loved him so completely I would have allowed him to kill me.   I still loved him tremendously the day he left.   He had already fallen out of love with me and begun some disgusting fling with someone else. 

He made sure he took sometime intimate of the medicine cabinet.   That has haunted me.

I still love him and it hurts me so terribly that he feels nothing more for me.

The world really sucks.