Chloe's Triumph

Chloe seems to have beaten her sleeping problems. First, a brief Chloe sleeping history. When my darling little girl was born, my ex-husband and I lived apart and he commuted on the weekends. During the week, therefore, the baby and I were alone. I was a very bonded mother and I felt very physically close to my child. I followed the Sears' philosophy of attachment parenting which included co-sleeping. This meant that my baby slept in my bed with me. It worked for us at the time because I needed her and she needed me. I felt very alone at night and I missed her. I loved cuddling with her, nuzzling her, smelling her, feeling her little heart beat against mine. Rather than just taking Chloe to bed with me, we developed a habit where she would go to sleep on my chest. I would recline in bed with pillows propped up under me, my little baby on my chest. I would fall asleep that way too and at some point in the night, roll her over to the side. We slept facing each other. Even when my ex-husband was home on the weekends, Chloe and I slept this way. It bothered my ex husband because it was crowded in the bed with three and he was afraid he would smash Chloe. When he was home I put up a railing in the bed and I slept between him and the baby.

We continued to sleep this way until Chloe was four years old. Things had to change then because I had a new baby and would nurse her in the bed at night. Four people in our bed was just too many. So, my ex-husband and I decided we needed to wean Chloe from our bed. I began lying down with her at night and over a few weeks, gradually moved further and further away from her until she no longer depended on me. After a few months, she had no problems. She would go right to sleep on her own, self soothe, and almost never wake up during the night.

Meanwhile, my ex husband beseeched me not to start having the new baby, Camille, sleep with us. He thought it best to ditch the co-sleeping and start immediately teaching her to sleep alone. I hesitantly agreed since he had moved in with us full time and three people every night was crowded at times. We had several years of good sleeping children. Both children were pretty much good independent sleepers through my divorce from their father, our move to an apartment and beyond. Even after the divorce and the children and I had moved, Chloe continued to be a stellar independent sleeper. About three or four months into it, however, she started getting up at night and getting in my bed. I was alone at night and so didn't mind much.

There was no doubt that Chloe and Camille felt stress from their parents divorce. I tried very very had to minimize it as much as possible. I believe my ex husband tried some too. Nevertheless, having your parents split up and divorce, then moving to a new home, are some of the more stressful possibilities in life. Chloe didn't talk about it much but I knew she was feeling it. So, I let her sleep with me. She became needful of me at night and since she slept with me, Camille decided she wanted to as well. So every night I was crowded in my bed by two little girls. Chloe was accustomed to sleeping with a parent but Camille wasn't. She is a bed hog and ends up sleeping across the bed much of the time.

After 18 months passed, I had fallen in love with a new man and we began talking about living together. Chloe had just turned 9. I knew I needed to wean her from my bed again in anticipation of his arrival. I worked at it for months. Every night Chloe would happily go to sleep in her bed and sleep well until about 1 a.m. Then, she would wake up; she would get in bed with me, come and get me or yell for me until I woke up and came in her room. I would lie down with her until she went back to sleep and then return to my own room. As soon as I was ready to fall asleep in my bed again, she woke back up and we repeated the same thing. Some nights she woke up 5 or 6 times. I either slept with her, let her sleep with me or I was awake half the night, shuffling back and forth from one bed to another.

I was worried that her health would suffer because her sleep was so interrupted. Nothing worked. No amount of coaxing, positive reinforcement, bribes, threats, I was at my wits end. My boyfriend, Jerry, finally did move in and Chloe was still waking up repeatedly at night. Sometimes I became angry at her, sometimes I cried from lack of sleep. I thought that if she felt sorry for me, maybe she would try harder.

I had spent much time thinking about the situation; studying it, analyzing it, talking to Chloe about it. I asked her why she felt so needful of me at night. She gave me different answers: "my stomach hurts", "I just can't go back to sleep", "I don't know", "I am scared". I told her that all she needed to do was learn to self soothe again. I told her that when you wake up at night, all you need to do is stay calm, think happy thoughts and soon you will be back to sleep. We tried music, white noise and leaving on the living room TV. I tried allowing her to read in bed with a head lamp, allowing her to get up for 15 minutes and watch a little TV, didn't work. The problem really was that she felt could not get herself back to sleep and stay asleep without touching me.

She could not learn to beat this need because she felt the limits I had set for her were movable, were bendable, were soft. I knew I had to be tougher but I didn't know how. I had yelled at her in the night, I had threatened to take away dance classes, nothing worked. I researched the problem and solutions on the internet. I read on the internet about another nine year old girl that had the same problem. Nothing worked until the father began turning off the child's bedroom light and holding the door closed until she fell asleep. The girl would cry and cry in the dark until when exhausted, she fell asleep. Then, the father would open the door and go back to his own bed. That internet father spent two weeks at his daughter's door every night until the girl learned to beat her problem.

Late one night when I was feeling desperate, I decided that I would try this technique. I had been awake most of the night. Chloe hadn't slept much. I had shouted at her, we had both cried, we were both exhausted. I told her that I was going to bed and she would not wake me up again. I told her that if she did, I would not respond kindly. I would unhappily get up, turn her night light off and hold her bedroom door closed, leaving her in the dark until she fell asleep. I told her I didn't care how long it took, how long I had to stand there holding the door closed. I told her I was committed to this plan and we would carry it out until she understood that she had to stay in bed, stay asleep. I also offered positive rewards, that she would receive a gold star for every full night slept in her bed and the gold stars were worth $1 a piece toward things she wanted.

I threatened this door holding method, I was committed to doing it if I had to. I never had to though. That night she did not get me back out of bed. That was about 8 days ago and every night since then, she has flawlessly gone to bed and slept all night. She seems more rested, I am more rested, the household is happier. All I had to do, I guess, is show her that I meant business.

I am proud of her for her success. With her reward points, she bought a set of fancy pens and pencils which come with tuxedos and hats. She feels proud of herself. Please pray this success continues.